La verità mente

...settle precious

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 19:25:07 GMT

i'm sinking now, i'm not sure what's happening to my emotions, but they're all coming at me at once.

fuck. i cant even communicate my exhaustion, my disgust, my sustained hate for everything around me. who am i?

let it bleed

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 13:15:56 GMT

i cut last night for the first time in 5 years.
i feel weak
& i hate myself

~~love~~
a

i never wanted the real thing.

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 17:51:21 GMT

so they say, everything is everything and it is what it is.
i feel like i'm settling but i'm not sure what i'm settling for.
the world has slipped out from underneath me and i just want to be left alone, that's exactly how i feel today.
everyone has become such a dissapointment, even my bestfriend, even the person i thought was the love of my life.
i don't spend enough time with people, because i'm afraid to get close to them, because when i do spend time with them, i miss them when they're gone.
i don't think im co-dependant, i just think i need people more than i know, or more than i want to believe.
i just want to be outside, taking in the beauty of nature, and forgetting about all of this other bullshit that clutters my life.
especially money, money is a big fucking whore in my life right now.

i can't even get into that
the government is robbing me, raping me up the ass & slicing off my tits afterward. that's how i feel, that's how they make me feel, today at least

....until tomorrow.

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 15:31:52 GMT

so this long journey of love lost, love gained, and 'but was it really love?' has come to an end thankfully.
i have found happiness within myself & i no longer need love. with anyone.
lindsey and i are starting to rekindle our relationship, which is nice because i really enjoy the time i spend with her, i think she is a real genuine person and she comes with no bullshit.
the best part is, is that my feelings for her have completely changed.

i think it's safe to say i'm happy, with just me.
i dont need anybody else right now.

sleep may be the enemy but so is another line, it's a remedy, you should take more time.

Tue, 27 May 2008 19:56:36 GMT

I'm feeling much better today, I'm so bipolar.

I have been feeling so alone lately, completely alone.
I'm blank, I don't know how I feel, I'm reading to know my fate.
June 2nd.
Can't
fucking
wait
anymore

So I was watching this show called Locked Up on nbc news channel all last night, it is like an hour long documentary on a bunch of penitentiaries throughout the United States, it was really interesting. It made me realize that the justice system in American is setting criminals up for failure, it made me lose faith in the entire legal system, not only because I'm suffering freely in it right now, but because I saw perfectly normal people go into "the hole" for months, even years and come out completely mental.
I just hope I never have to go to jail, I don't think I would survive. I especially feel bad for those people who have been in there for over 5 years, how do they know what to do when they get out? They have been brought down to completely barbarous standards.
I am just sick with this.
On another note, the sun is trying to shine today. That makes me smile, and I got a promotion to supervisor at work. Go me.
I should be more excited, but it's just more responsibility for a wee bit more pay. I want to be on salary. That would be sweet.

I have spent way too much time wasting time.

don't go and lose your face, at some strangers place.

Mon, 26 May 2008 17:58:53 GMT

I don't think I believe in God anymore.

What's the point anyway? There are plenty of people who don't believe in God & have perfectly fine lives. I just need to make better choices, and stop disregarding all inhibition.
I am so fucking angry at whoever is in control right now for the things that have happened to me. The only problem is, is that I'm afraid that I am in control, there is no creator, no big plan here. It's all in my hands, and if I fuck up..then it's my fault. It wasn't the way things were supposed to be.
I made it this way, and it didn't happen for a reason.
I'm mourning the loss of everything I held dear, everything that meant everything to me is gone now. I have nothing but a bottle and an empty house to come home to. Sometimes I wish I had the strength to put an end to my self destructive behavior, I don't know how, or where to begin, or even how it got so out of hand.

On another note, I'm starting to forget her face now, the way she smelled, her touch, the way I could feel her eyes burning through me. The only thing I have left of her are memories, and photographs. I long to forget her, but I hold on, my grip is loose now, trying to let go. But still holding on to my tiny bit of hope.

amazing grace in here, I'd pay to have you near

if god's my witness, god must be blind.

Mon, 26 May 2008 14:14:39 GMT

I'm so fucking exhausted from trying to please everybody in my life, especially somebody who claims to be my 'best' friend.
You know, people really don't want to see you happy unless it benefits them. I'm so fucking sorry that I don't want to sit on the god damn couch all of the time and watch the same boring shit with the same boring plot, over & over. I'm sorry that I can't make you feel like number one all of the time, but I don't remember signing up to make you feel less alone.

I'm tired of relationships to the point where I just want to be left alone, it's kind of sad when I get to this point, & it's sad that someone has driven me to this point. Too many friends is too much trouble, too much work.
I give up, you win.
Good fucking job.

she looks like the real thing, she tastes like the real thing, my fake plastic love

Tue, 20 May 2008 17:22:04 GMT

I don't what it is about today, but I feel amazing.
I am perservering through all the bullshit, & not drinking my feelings away, I think it's finally paying off.
Not to say I'm not going to have a bad day here or there, or cough june 2, but I can't think about that. I've come to realize I cannot dwell on what is going to happen but I have to live in the moment to enjoy life to it's fullest. It's kind of silly how long that's taken me to figure out.

I just can't wonder about past irreconcilable relationships. My world has been changed dramatically because of each person that has come into my life, and I can't be resentful because things didn't work out the way I wanted them to. I am a little resentful I let someone in that was just using me, I let them in intimately that is. I will never give someone a piece of me like that again, until I am completely sure they are deserving, and that they care about me.
I just like to feel important I guess.

thinking.

Sun, 18 May 2008 20:09:05 GMT

there comes a time when you swim or sink. so i jumped in the drink cause i couldnt make myself clear. maybe i wrote in invisible ink? oh ive tried to think how i could have made it appear. but another illlustration is wasted cause the results are the same. i feel like a ghost whos trying to move your hands over some ouija board in the hopes i can spell out my name.

what some take for magic at first glance is just sleight of hand depending on what you believe. something gets lost when you translate. its hard to keep straight. perspective is everything. and i know now which is which and what angle i oughta look at it from. i suppose i should be happy to be misread. better be that than some of the other things I have become.

but nobody wants to hear this tale. the plot is clichéd, the jokes are stale. and baby weve all heard it all before. oh i could get specific but nobody needs a catalog with details of love i cant sell anymore. and aside from that, this chain of reaction is losing a link. though id hope youd know what i tried to tell you. and if you dont i could draw you a picture in invisible ink.

but nobody wants to hear this tale. the plot is clichéd, the jokes are stale. and baby weve all heard it all before. oh i could get specific but nobody needs a catalog with details of love i cant sell anymore.

ouch my heart.

Wed, 07 May 2008 14:32:48 GMT

i'm halfway between a heart attack and not being able to breathe, not that I've been able to tell the difference today. because of last week I feel suffocated, on the edge of an imminent breakdown and unable to explain why, just certain that i have been bottling everything inside and now it i am sure to come to a breaking point. my focus has been shifted to another major event in my life, but that's not really the point of this entry. i've been a bloodless robot functioning for so long, it's amazing I keep up productivity as well as I do.
do you ever have those days or weeks where there's a sinking feeling in your stomach that's inexplicable and then a Brand New song comes on that's as true as it is sad? it hasn't sunken in but I guess I'm really mourning that all of my family is going to be so far away, it's even more difficult to deal with the fact that my dad is hundreds of miles away and doesnt even care to see me.
it's difficult but i'm dealing with it the best i can.

she even kisses me like you did, and it breaks my heart. cause she's not you

Tue, 06 May 2008 15:54:45 GMT

I've been thinking too damn much. I slide from doing alright to wondering too much all too quickly. My head is well aware of the situations at hand, and the cards dealt to me are ones to be played, and played wisely. Although this past week I just want to fold my hand and give up the chips put down on the table for a drink at the bar, when both are the last things I need. I'd easily throw up the whole damn table for a chance to open your eyes, but such foolish and impulsive behavior has already been to frequently displayed the last 3 months of my life.

i just wanted to FUCK you.

Mon, 05 May 2008 16:29:53 GMT

i did something last week that i definitely shouldn't have, with someone who everyone claims didn't deserve it, which i have to agree with. and little to my surprise, it resulted in nothing that was worthwhile anyways, because that ship has long sailed. sometimes, your best gifts are unanswered prayers . in retrospect i thank God for so many things in my life in the last year that haven't worked out. Today is yesterday, when you don't know how
to rebuild the walls that someone has knocked down.

we don't talk anymore, and i want to leave it open ended. it's good for us. but to hell with you, it's good for ME. there's not much i miss, or that i would have to say anyways. we don't talk anymore, and that means that i don't think about you. it's for the better.
she's just someone i used to know now.

what a fucking joke.

THE ONLY DIRECTION I KNOW HOW TO VENTURE IS FORWARD. MOVE ON.

j-e-ll-o

Fri, 02 May 2008 18:04:49 GMT

in my mind we're: a furnace turned up all the way, firehot and red. sex against the shower wall, dripping wet and panting. what we really are: two souls that once smashed together, now apart and aching.

i'm not getting up off of this ride, i'm holding on until i can feel alive

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:27:20 GMT

the truth is: i'm not sure how to treat the people in my life right, without hurting myself along the way. if i could make everyone happy, and be whatever the people in my life want me to be, all while keeping myself on level ground, i believe i would. but i'm not sure i can. in fact, i don't think it's even possible.
i don't think it's being selfish. and that's a big issue i've been struggling with lately...... am i too concerned with what is best for me? and i've decided that it's not really a choice. in order to live life to the fullest to even try and achieve happiness, you have to do what's best for you.

everything just hurts so much, because i know people care for me, that is the only thing that keeps me from shallowly writing people off. as disgusting as this sounds, it's how i cope with situations. if i can't deal - i ignore. i could make everyone happy by being whatever they want me to be, but where would i be in life? i'd hurt in another way instead and that's no good..... it's something i'm far from solving.

and on another side of things - i think i am responsible for myself, for not allowing someone else to get semi-close to me. i think this is horrible, but a part of me knows it's just me being me, and just doing things with my life. the thing is i know what i want right now. and as much as i want to make everyone happy i know i couldn't, for one reason or another. i just like having the happy moments from time to time. maybe i'm a bit evil. we all confuse each other.........mixed signals. always. we're lucky when we find the common ground, and are usually too stupid to not lose it.

now, these poor saps, like me are put in the position of dealing with this hope/love/light of life and what it should be, and not go insane with envy, desire, etc but you can't say anything to relieve this right away. because you're afraid to ruin..what isnt real. so, you go with it until you're about to burst. and then you become desperate.
but at least you know you can be happy again. someday. there is hope.

people never realize things that are right in front of their face. i think thats a big problem im having. i try so hard to be a good person to people and i still get shafted. then the people who screw everyone over get the things i want in life. maybe i should just stop trying.
this is how i feel......mostly anyway..

it takes strength to be gentle and kind..

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 16:10:06 GMT

...there's too many things in this world to be happy about. stop letting the little stupid things, and stupid people drag you down.
i wish everyone would stop being such dicks and think about other people, so that maybe everyone would stop hurting so god damn much.
~~end~~

ME ME ME

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 17:50:49 GMT

Ok self, let's be honest

Have you had a serious relationship this year?
In retrospect yes, but that was over in the very beginning of the year.

Have you had your birthday yet?:
yesssssssssss. 21 bitches!!!

Been to church?:
yes.

Cried yet?:
I cried about two weeks ago watching the Parent Trap with Lindsay Lohan in it. Don't even hate, stephanie cried too. but i have only been able to cry about stupid shit like that.

Had your heart broken?:
That's hard to define. Did I spend too long bummed out on one person? Yes, it happens.

Drink Starbucks?:
sometimes.

Went shopping?
yup yup yup. love shopping. but not when i'm drunk..bad combination, i spend way too much money on things i'll never wear.

Went Camping?:
last summer i went camping. it was a lot of fun.

Been to the beach?:
no.

Bought something for over $200?:
no.

Met someone special?:
it's all about narrowing down the people you know to the people you love.

Been out of state?:
no...

Gone Snowboarding?
yes!

What are you thinking?
I'm thinking that I love doing stuff like this, I love talking about myself even if i'm not remotely interesting.

Hugged someone?:
narcs

Slept in someone else's bed?:
i always do.

Loaned out money?:
yeah and no one ever pays me back.

Gotten a car?:
my "luxury" vehicle hahaha

Drove somewhere?:
i drive a ridiculous amount.

Done something you regret:
life, love, regret. so it goes.

Last Thing you bought?: pedicure

Last Person to call you?:
ross

Last time you took a shower?:
today AM

When was the last time you felt stupid?:
i have yet to feel stupid today

Who did you last yell at?
nobody.

Last person you kissed?:
um. megan.

What did you do today?:
rolled out of bed, went to work. and here I am.

Natural hair color?:
Very light brown.

Hair style?:
messy

Eye color?:
brown.

Height:
5'10"

Pets:
bella

Feeling?
like I have the bubonic plague raging in my chest.

Where would you rather be?
sleeping, next to someone warm.

Last thing you drank?:
water. i am a fucking camel.

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE:

Have you ever been in love:
i have

Do you believe in love?:
im not sure anymore.

Why did your BEST relationship fail?:
well if it was my best, it wouldn't have failed. When you know someone is wrong for you, you know.

Have you ever been heartbroken:
yes, life goes on.

Have you ever broken someone's heart:
i'm an asshole, it used to be a hobby of mine.

Have you ever liked someone but never told them:
yeah, there was no chance.

Would you ever date one of your exes?:
yes

Have you had more than 5 different serious relationships in your life?
no

4 EMOTIONS

Are you missing someone right now:
yes

Are you happy?
im at work, but im content. i want to go to the bar tonight with melissa!

Are you eating anything?:
no. oh god, i have been eating like a pig

Do you like someone right now?
vaguely, but that's dying out. so it goes.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 15:25:35 GMT

so im at work. totally lame. i have been thinking about a lot of things, and theres just no chance anymore. not a chance in hell, i just want to make out and get touched up. im such a sleeze but thats how i feel.

go baby, go go.

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 20:44:23 GMT

i feel sick
it's rare that people can make me feel this disgusting, but thats how i feel.

what happened to my comfortable numb state i was in. .i felt so terrible that i didn't feel anything towards anything, anyone. i felt so selfish.
but it was hard to care. at the time.

i've made quite a few mistakes with people. i guess i'm just naive sometimes. that's how i feel now..what was i thinking.
i hate feeling like this
and there's no one that can help me. at one point there was, but i threw that away.
i'm just tired of being unsatsified with people. i don't like how i get tired of people so quickley. i don't know what causes that. i don't know what i'm looking for.
i'm lost.

i'm sitting here not knowing what else i can say. what i'm allowed to say..
i wish i could base this towards somebody. i don't know if i'm saying this generally or not. i'm just really bothered by some people.

my thoughts are all blurry now. nothing more

~~fuck~~

xo, apryl.

a lonely liver suspended in liquid

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 14:10:59 GMT

I have never felt so out of touch with myself.
I think I probably have a drinking problem, but I blame you.
I'm trying to drink you goodbye.

i'm scared for what goes to out of control, sooner or later must crash.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:03:33 GMT

i need some love right now.
or i'm not sure.
maybe i need some space.
i hate this feeling. but from it emerges a new part of me. more bitter yes. but stronger.
i hate men. i hate boys. i hate the whole male sex.
i dont know. i could be in a worse situtation

my personality is doing flip flops and i've been having a major identity crisis. who am i now? my whole life is just a charade, nothings real, nothing matters. i give up on making efforts i will just bend to whatever wills me. i will react spontaniousely, and no longer care about consequences...i just need to share these revelations with someone. i am so alone on this huge rock i want people to know my name, i want people to recognize my face. i can't live in a world that just passes by my life, letting me die unnoticed and live the same. whats the point of living if I will not be remebered for something. i have to come about some major accomplishment people will be proud of. i will make you all proud.

Writer's Block: Where in the World...

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 17:37:06 GMT

I would have a house in Italy. I would send my family all over the world, and I would dedicate most of my life to something like the peace corps, helping other countries.

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 08:25:33 GMT

Stick your heart inside of my chest
Keep it warm here while we rest
Tell them this love hasn't changed me, hasn't changed me at all
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you